1. Sometimes we sabotage relationships from the beginning by reaching out to the wrong people, those who don’t care, who are unavailable, uninvolved, detached. That way, we don’t have to risk a real relationship where we might get our hearts broken. We settle for superficial relationships and small talk so that we don’t invest too much into other people and they don’t have to invest too much into us (we don’t feel worth their time or attention anyway). We make it easy to leave. We don’t get too close or too real because they would probably just reject us. But it doesn’t hurt as bad to lose someone whom we never let get too close.
2. Or maybe we seek out those who will hurt us because it fulfills our self-view that we don’t deserve anything better, that we’re always destined to get hurt. If we always see ourselves as the victim, we’ll find ways (unconsciously) to always be the victim. So we stay in abusive, unloving relationships (or go from one bad one to the next) because we don’t feel we have a right to be respected, loved, or treated well. We barely even like or respect ourselves, so why would anyone else like us or respect us? And besides, healthy relationships scare us because we’ve never known one and because it means being vulnerable, opening up our hearts. We can take (and maybe even feel like we deserve) the physical abuse, the mental/emotional abuse, the lying, cheating, etc., but we can’t take the risks that come with genuine, healthy relationships where we have to be vulnerable, be real, be trusting, and let others love us and care about us. That’s just too risky. Too painful.
3. Or maybe we actually did find a good friend or spouse, but we don’t realize it or can’t believe it because we don’t think we deserve a good, healthy relationship. There’s just got to be something wrong with it and, by golly, I’ll figure out what it is! So even if it’s good (or can be good), we sabotage the relationship by being overly suspicious and accusatory, by emphasizing the problems in it, by focusing on the faults of the other person, by interpreting everything that happens as “bad” or “unhealthy,” by picking fights, by provoking the other person until they fight back and then blaming them for causing all the trouble, excusing or failing to see our part in it, etc. And then we say, “See, I knew something was wrong. It’s how it always is.” We see ourselves as someone who is being mistreated (even when we’re not) because we don’t know how to see ourselves as anything else. Maybe we even become really controlling and manipulative, trying to protect ourselves from pain, to keep control of the relationship before it hurts us, imagining or anticipating that it’s going bad … but our controlling/manipulative behavior is what ends up actually making it go bad. But the fact that it went bad simply confirms our belief that it was bad from the beginning, that we were justified in being suspicious and controlling and in “fighting back”. If we don’t feel worthy of a genuine, loving relationship, we never see ourselves as part of one, always finding the “bad” in it, using it as an excuse to break it off or to accuse, mistreat, or control the other person the way we do.
4. And then there are those of us who really want to be loved and to love others in return, but we always end up with the same kind of person every time - the selfish kind who doesn’t want a commitment, who just wants to take, take, take without giving back. We are desperately searching for the real love, real friendship, that we know must be out there somewhere. And to earn or keep this love, we become what others want us to be, always trying to please them, sacrificing everything for them, giving away a piece of ourselves to whoever shows interest, hoping that they find something in us worth staying for. We want a deep, real, committed relationship, but can’t seem to find someone else who does too. And we die a little more inside with each person that leaves, wondering “What’s wrong with me?” (This may come from deep feelings of being unworthy, like you have to settle for whatever comes your way, because you don’t “deserve” better. Maybe you feel you aren’t “good enough” as you are, that you have to be “better” to get people to like you. Or maybe you’re a “people-pleaser,” always seeking other people’s happiness over your own, to the point that you don’t take care of yourself or protect yourself or seek better for yourself. Lots of different insecurities or fears could be behind this.)
5. Or maybe we’re the ones who can’t make a commitment, always thinking we might find someone better later and so we don’t want to get tied down too much now, and so we don’t commit to or get too close to others (as a spouse or long-term friends). Maybe it’s that we think too much of ourselves or we’re easily bored or our expectations are too high. Maybe it’s that we like someone until they get too close to our hearts, until they get to know us too much, which freaks us out and causes us to push them away. Or maybe we’re afraid that the other person will find someone they like better someday and that we’ll be kicked to the curb, and so we hold back in relationships now to spare ourselves the pain of being rejected later. Whatever the reason, “out with the old, in with the new” is fine with us, making sure we never get too close or serious with anyone, never investing too much in them or opening ourselves up too much to them. And yet we wonder why we’re not happy, why our relationships aren’t working or fulfilling!
6. Or maybe we’re just indifferent to relationships, apathetic. We just don’t need one. It’s too much work, too much pain, too much risk. I’m better off alone, thankyouverymuch.
All of these (and others not listed) are ways to protect ourselves from the risks that come with genuine relationships, genuine love. We are hurt people who want to be loved, but we fear the risks, fear being vulnerable, fear being let down. Maybe it’s that we don’t trust the stick-ability of relationships because it’s never been modeled for us, so we pull away suddenly when it gets too close for comfort. Maybe we don’t know how to be mature and trustworthy, which ends up hurting our friendships (such as using gossip to make or impress friends, which ends up hurting our friendships because others realize they can’t trust us, and then - when that friendship ends - we move onto a new friend, gossiping about the one we just left, and the cycle continues). Maybe we’re terrified of rejection, so we go on the attack or make ourselves unlovable to push others away before they have a chance to reject us. Maybe we push others away before they have a chance to become valuable to us. Or maybe we are pushing them away to test them - to see if they will do what we expect them to do, which is leave us. And yet when they do leave us, we are heartbroken and confused, wondering what went wrong. Basically, we live with the subconscious idea that it’s far better to ruin it ourselves before others have a chance to hurt us.
These kinds of fears and self-protective ways, stemming from childhood pain and hurts, affect our views of ourselves and our relationships with others. But what’s more is that they affect our relationship with God too (which is the focus here). If you see any of these “unhealthy relationship” tendencies in your life, along with any I didn’t mention (What’s your method of self-protection?), then you may also have unhealthy ways of seeing and relating to God.
I mean, of course we know God is supposed to be good and trustworthy, but we’re not sure we believe it. We have such deep wounds that we’re not sure we can trust Him. And so we hold back from Him. We don’t lean on Him too much because we don’t want to fall flat on our faces if He pulls away. We don’t need Him too much because we don’t want to be left without any support if He fails us. We don’t let Him love us or care for us too much because we don’t want to let Him down or be let down by Him.
Here are some examples of unhealthy ways we might be relating to God:
1. We’re afraid He won’t like what’s inside us, the “real me,” and so we don’t let Him get too close. Instead of being our real selves, we try hard to be pleasing, polished, and presentable - praying “right,” serving a lot, smiling all the time, doing everything we think we should do. And we believe that God is satisfied with that. We present a good front, never admitting to the broken pieces inside (the sins, weaknesses, helplessness, doubts, fears, etc.); we just try harder to look better, to be better, to make God happy with us.
2. Instead of seeing ourselves the way He sees us (loved, valuable, cherished, worth the price of Jesus’s blood, etc.), we think He sees us the way we see ourselves (bad, worthless, unforgivable, unlovable). And so instead of accepting His love and forgiveness as the unconditional gifts they are, we punish ourselves for being “unworthy” and “not good enough.” We beat ourselves up over our shortcomings and sins. We live self-degrading and self-debasing lives – because “that’s who we are and that’s all we deserve.” We are serving our self-prescribed penance. And so we never really embrace His freeing - and free – forgiveness, grace, mercy, help, and love. The more Satan can get us to focus on how “bad” we are, the less we focus on how good God is and the less we let His love heal us.
[I knew a woman once who punished herself whenever she got mad at herself. She’d take things she loved and destroy them: a favorite rose bush, her wedding ring, etc. She didn’t believe there was anything worth cherishing inside of her, anything good, lovely, or valuable, and so she couldn’t accept God’s unconditional love, mercy, or grace without punishing herself first. She didn’t understand why she did this, but it made her feel lower and lower every time she did, which, of course, kept the vicious cycle going. She didn’t have to cling to her damaged self-view, remaining a prisoner of her past, her self-hatred. If she explored her past, with God’s help, to find out what damaged her heart, maybe she’d realize she is not some unexplainable, irrational mess but that she developed these self-destructive ways because of hurtful past experiences. And then maybe she could begin to see herself the way God does, accepting His unconditional love, grace, and mercy. God wants to set us free from the damage our pasts have done, but we have to be willing to let Him do it, to let Him help us, love us, heal us.]
3. We don’t even seek God anymore. We’ve fallen so far that we think we can never return to Him. We’ve snubbed Him for so long or disappointed Him so many times that He couldn’t possibly care about us. And we’re not sure we care about Him anymore either. And so we don’t even try. We’re going to go to hell, and that’s all there is to it. We are just that bad, so why bother!?! [Well, you know what? You may have given up on you, but He hasn’t given up on you. Not when He paid with Jesus’s blood to save you. Until the day you die, He will pursue you, waiting for the moment that you take even the tiniest step toward Him. And then He will come running. Read Luke 15 - about the prodigal son who left the Father to go off on his own to live a selfish life, and about the Father who patiently waited and anxiously watched for the son to return and who came running to meet the son the moment he came into view a long ways away, who threw His arms around him in joy, kissed him, and celebrated his return by throwing a big party. That’s how much He loves you too! The Father watches and waits for all of His wayward children to return to Him. He longs to throw His arms around you too, to throw a party in your honor. But the first step back needs to be yours. And if all you can take is one tiny step, let it be this prayer: “Lord, I need You. I want You. Help me.”]
4. We think the Bible is just rules to be followed. And we do our best to follow it. But that’s all Christianity has become to us: Rules! Rules! Rules! And we are missing out on God and freedom and life. In fact, we’re not even aware that we can have a real relationship with God, and so we settle for religion. [If this is the case, we are so close but so far away. For we have something that looks like godly faith but isn’t. Don’t let Satan convince you that the Bible is a great big To Do list or that we have to work our way to heaven. Religion is man’s attempts to get to God and heaven through our own efforts; but Christianity is about God reaching out to us, about God building the bridge that gets us to heaven (Jesus’s death on the cross for our sins), and all we have to do is cross it (by putting our faith in Him).]
5. We have one foot in both camps: the world’s and God’s. And we think that’s okay. We “serve” God and “love” God, but we go about living our lives sitting comfortably in the driver’s seat. And we don’t feel the need for anything different. We are content this way. We have enough of God to feel like we’re on the right track, but not enough to be uncomfortable or to have to change our lives or give up control. It feels like the perfect fit. [If this is the case, life is probably somewhat predictable (yet possibly exhausting at the same time). But it lacks the deep-soul-satisfaction, the contentment, the godly joy and peace (even in the midst of painful trials) that come with wholeheartedly following and relying on God, instead of on ourselves.]
6. We are just plain indifferent to God. Apathetic. We don’t need Him. Never did. Never will. I’m doing just fine on my own, thankyouverymuch.
Generally, I think our earliest experiences, particularly with our parents, affect our views of God and how we relate to Him. But we might be unaware of it, of the walls and fears that make our lives “less than” it should be. Or maybe we do sense there’s a problem, but we don’t want to look into it because of the pain it might dredge up. And so we live with distance from others and from God. We give up, living with the feeling that we’ll never measure up or be good enough. Or maybe we just keep pushing ourselves to do more or be better. Never satisfied. Never happy. But we ache for more. And our relationship with God is stunted and shallow, lifeless and dull. We ache for a genuine, vibrant life with God. We want to know real security and peace and joy. We want to know what it’s like to be really loved for who we are, to know that our Father is looking down on us and smiling, that we matter. But to get there most of us need to go through the refining fire, the furnace of pain that exposes the true condition of our hearts, that purifies our faith and our trust in Him, that burns away all the fears, misconceptions, sins, negative self-thoughts, and the walls we wrap around our hearts to keep Him from getting too close, to protect ourselves from pain. (And that’s what this Bible study is for.)
Psalm 66:10: “For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver.”
1 Peter 1:7: “These [trials] have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may be proven genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”
1 Peter 5:10: “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”
But too many of us avoid the refining process because it means pain. It means letting God bring up past hurts, hidden sins, negative self-views, the true condition of our hearts. But He brings them up to heal it all, making us stronger. And I want to challenge you to do the hardest thing you can do: Let the Holy Spirit examine your heart to bring up any walls, fears, misconceptions, sins, or whatever else is hurting you and your relationship with others and God.
This won’t be easy. In fact, it may be the hardest part of this whole journey. Coming face to face with our true selves is a very scary thing. It’s something that many of us avoid our whole lives. But the Challenge and Questions For Reflection will help you do this. But remember that this all needs to be done with lots of prayer, time, thoughtfulness, and honesty. With God’s help, with His Word, to heal what needs to be healed and to fix what’s broken.
Satan would love nothing more than to destroy your already-broken heart, to make your damaged self-views even worse, to drag you even further into sin, self-sufficiency, and rebellion. So do not go back into your hurting past or into your broken heart without the Lord by your side. Every step of the way, every question you explore, ask the Holy Spirit to help you, to guide you, to protect you, comfort you, and keep you safe from evil. (And remember that if you ever feel demons attacking you, call on the name of Jesus. Command them to leave in Jesus’s name.)
[Tip: This process will scare a lot of us. And when I’m fearful about something, my tendency is to try to talk myself out of my fear, into a better outlook. But I’ve found it far more effective to simply admit my fear to God, to say, “Lord, I’m afraid about this. I really am. But I ask You right now to take my faithless fear and to replace it with Your peace, wisdom, courage, and help. I can’t do it on my own; I need You!” Trying to tackle fear on my own is exhausting and fruitless, but inviting God to handle it is much more effective.]
So, are you ready to dive in? If so, take a deep breath and …
Example Prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father, I know I need to take a closer look at myself, to find any ways I see myself wrong or any ways I’m blocking You from my hurting heart, from healing my life and my past and my negative, incorrect self-views. But I’m scared. I’m afraid of what I might find. I’m afraid of what You might find. And I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough to handle it or wise enough to know what to do about it, to fix it. But I thank You that You are.
You are strong enough and wise enough to fix what I can’t fix, to carry what I can’t carry, to heal what’s broken, and to turn it all around for good. You give us strength when we’re weak (Isaiah 40:29, Philippians 4:13). You give us wisdom when we don’t know what to do (James 1:5, Psalm 25:9). Your grace carries us through the pain, the hard times (2 Corinthians 12:9). You comfort us when we cry out to You (Psalm 34:17-18, Psalm 55:16-17). You give us rest when we’re weary (Matthew 11:28). You carry our anxieties and concerns for us when we put them in Your hands (1 Peter 5:7, Psalm 55:22). You meet our needs (Philippians 4:19). You will never leave us nor forsake us, no matter what happens or what we’ve done (Deuteronomy 31:8). And You can and will turn everything around for good – all the bad, the sins, the heartbreak, the wasted time - if we love You and obey You (Romans 8:28, 1 John 5:3).
Lord, You promise these things in Your Word, and I ask You to fulfill these promises in my life right now. Lord, be with me every step of the way as I begin the journey to healing, to being refined. Fill me with Your discernment, wisdom, strength, and peace. Flood the hurting, broken parts of me with Your love, healing, and comfort, so that I can have the kind of abundant life in You that You want for me, that You died to give me.
Be glorified in and through me by turning all the bad in my life around for good, making me who You want me to be, using my life’s story as a testimony to You, to Your goodness, faithfulness, power, grace, mercy, and love - for Your purposes, Your Kingdom, and Your glory. Thank You for being faithful to me, for loving me, and for caring for me all these years, no matter how far I’ve drifted from You. I may have walked away from You at times, but You never walked away from me. Thank You. And I love You. In Jesus’s most holy name, Amen
A Shorter Example Prayer:
Lord, Help me to see the truth about myself and to see myself the way You do.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)
“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10).
In Jesus’s name, Amen
Challenge:
Before the questions, I have a challenge to keep in mind for when you have time and are ready to think about some hard things: Pray and ask God to reveal to you the fears, doubts, lies, misconceptions, sinful strongholds, and distorted thoughts/feelings that are inside you, that affect your relationship with others, God, or yourself, that create self-protective walls around your heart. We can’t just ignore these things or excuse them. If we want God to heal them, we have to identify them, confess them, and invite Him to fix them. (And sometimes, it helps to figure out when these things started, what started them, and the effect they’ve had on our hearts, thoughts, and lives.) And then we need to replace them with God’s truth.
So ask God to tell you what you need to deal with or confess, and then …
1. Write each one down, as clearly and thoroughly as possible. (If you want to, write down when it started, what caused it, what kept it going, how it affected you, etc. Some people like to know this, and some don’t. Do what’s most comfortable and healing for you.)
2. Confess it to God. Talk it over with Him. Thank Him for helping you on this journey, for revealing truth to you, for being faithful, for forgiving you, for loving you in spite of the bad things, etc. (Confession, thanksgiving, and praising Him are big parts of prayer.) Tell Him you are putting it in His hands – the bad thoughts, bad feelings, bad memories, the hurting, broken pieces of your heart and soul – so that He can heal it, have control over it, forgive you for it, turn it into something good, etc.
3. Find Bible verses to apply to whatever the fear, doubt, lie, etc. is. Such as if you have a fear of abandonment which caused you to stay distant from God, confess it to Him, ask Him to forgive you for being afraid of Him and to heal the fear. And then apply these verses to it: “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” (Psalm 27:10) And “he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6). Write the verses next to the fear, doubt, lie, etc. And say them – God’s Truth - out loud regularly. The Truth will set us free!
A slightly different challenge, about the lies we believe about ourselves:
Because of our hurtful pasts, we might develop various lies we live by, lies we believe about ourselves (mostly unconsciously). Some are blatantly false, such as “No one could ever love me.” That is a baseless, self-defeating lie because God loves you, enough to die for you. But some lies are half-truths (the half that hurts us) that need to have God’s Word attached to them (the half that heals us) to make them good, whole truths. If Satan can’t defeat us with outright lies then he will use truth against us by twisting it, by giving us only half the picture, hiding from us God’s perspective on it, the part that heals. An example would be “I don’t deserve forgiveness.” That’s a half-truth because no one “deserves” forgiveness. But the part that makes it a whole truth is that we don’t have to deserve or earn forgiveness because forgiveness can’t be earned. It’s a free gift that can only be accepted in humble gratitude.
Over the next weeks/months, write down all the lies and half-truths that come up – the negative things you think about yourself or say to yourself – and then find God’s perspective on it in the Bible. Find verses that address the lies, that fix them, and write the verses next to the lie (you can even cross out the lie, if you want to, leaving only the truth). And repeat the verses out loud regularly to help you begin believing them, embracing them. Here are some examples:
1. Lie/Half-truth: “I’m not worthy.”
Whole truth: “… but I am not worthless. My worth, my value, is not in anything I do anyway; it’s in the fact that I am God’s creation. And so I don’t have to earn my worth with Him. In fact, we can’t earn our worth with Him. We are ‘worthy’ – valuable, loved, cherished – simply because He made us, because He wants us and loves us, enough to pay for our salvation with Jesus’s blood. John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”” Ephesians 1:7: “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace” This gives us the most value and worth we could ever have! We have worth simply because He loves us, because He wants to. Matthew 10:29-31: “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”
2. Lie/Half-truth: “I don’t deserve God’s love or forgiveness.”
Whole truth: “That’s right. No one ‘deserves’ God’s love or forgiveness because it can’t be earned or bought. It’s a free gift that can only be accepted. It’s not about who I am; it’s about who God is. And “God is love” (1 John 4:7). And He loved me anyway, before I even knew Him, when I was still deep in sin. “God demonstrates his love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). He loved me enough to die for me and to offer me forgiveness, regardless of what I ‘deserve.’”
Lamentations 3:22-23: “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
Romans 8:1: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
3. Lie/Half-truth: “I will never be enough: good enough, strong enough, wise enough.”
Whole-truth: “… But I don’t have to be. I don’t have to be ‘enough’ because Jesus is enough for me. It doesn’t all rest on me. It rests on Him. And so I need to be resting on Him. God isn’t looking for me to be ‘enough’ or to be ‘good enough.’ He just wants me to be real with Him, even with all the messes and brokenness in my life and my heart. He wants me to fall on Him, to need Him, to love Him and let Him love me, and to let Him be enough for me.”
Luke 1:37: “For nothing is impossible with God.” (This isn’t saying we can make God do anything we want, just that nothing God wants to do for you will be impossible.)
Philippians 4:19: “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”
2 Corinthians 9:8: “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all you need, you will abound in every good work.”
2 Corinthians 12:9: “But he [the Lord] said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’”
4. Lie/Half-truth: “I’m going to fail. I’m going to keep falling into sin. I’m hopeless, helpless.”
Whole truth: “Well, of course, I’m going to fail and sin. I’m human. And God knows that. He knows I’m human. But He still has plans for me. And He can carry me and all my problems, working something good out of the bad. And He forgives my sins. And so when I fail (not if I fail), I need to seek and accept God’s forgiveness, and get back up and try again. He’s always ready to help me get back on the right path. No one is hopeless or helpless if they have the Lord. Because He is where our hope is. He is where our help comes from.
Isaiah 40:31: “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Psalm 121:1-2: “I lift up my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”
Philippians 4:13: “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”
Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”
5. Lie/Half-truth: “I deserve the consequences I get, so I’ll just give up and accept my fate.”
Whole truth: “Yes, we deserve the consequences we create. And so thank God for His mercy and grace. Because without them, we’re hopelessly sunk. But His mercy, grace, love, and forgiveness are freely available to me because Jesus already paid the price for all my sins. And so I can stop living under needless guilt or in the hopelessness that things will never get better. God can turn everything around, all my messes and mistakes, if I let Him. And so instead of trying to fix my own life or wallowing in despair, I can accept His love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness for the free gifts they are, and let Him help me get back on track.”
Psalm 103:8,11-12: “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love…. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”
Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”
Jeremiah 29:11-14: “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and will bring you back from captivity…’”
Do you see how this takes the burden off of us? We don’t have to find hope, healing, strength, value, or answers inside of our weak, wishy-washy, broken, faltering selves because we find it all in the Lord. Let God’s grace heal your fears. Let His Truth heal the lies you’ve believed that have hurt you. Let Him be enough for you. (Now write your own list, and pray for God to show you the verses you need to write down to heal you, to help you know His Truth.)
Questions for Reflection
Pray first (and all along the way), asking God to guide your mind and to help you face whatever comes up. Answer these as thoughtfully and thoroughly as possible. (It may take a lot of time, over the next couple weeks or more. That’s okay. Go as slowly as you need to.) And answer them in your journal, if you have one. You may want to reflect back on them over time. Some of these questions may not reveal much to you and some may overlap, but that’s okay. It’ll help you look at things from slightly different angles. (If these are too painful to think about, don’t do them. Instead, just pray that God helps you overcome your past and the heart-wounds you’ve gotten, in His time and in His way. And then let Him guide you to healing in a more indirect way over time, as you stay connected to Him in prayer and the Word.)
1. What, in this section, stood out to me? Why? What is God telling me about it?
2. How would I describe my past? How has it affected/shaped me, my life, my relationships?
3. How would I describe my mother, father, or other significant people as I grew up? What was our relationship like? How has it affected/shaped me?
4. What are the most significant moments from my past, the “turning points” in my life, negative and/or positive? How have those affected me? What did they turn me from, and what did they turn me to? [Talk it over honestly with God and confess whatever needs to be confessed.]
5. When I was younger, what did I feel/think about myself? Why? How did it affect my behavior, choices, relationships, etc.? Is it still having an effect on my life today? If so, what effect, and how?
6. What is my current relationship with my parents/caregivers like? With other people (in general or specifically)? How is it affecting me?
7. Whose attention do I crave or strive for (what people/kinds of people do I seek attention from)? How and why? What am I hoping to get out of it? How is it affecting my life?
8. What people/kinds of people do I admire or try to be like? Why? How does it affect me and my life?
9. What people/kinds of people do I fear, dislike, avoid, or am uncomfortable with? Why? How does this affect me and my life?
10. What fears or doubts do I have when it comes to relationships? How do they affect me and my life (my behavior, choices, relationships, etc.)?
11. What do I currently think/feel about myself and my life? Why? What led to these thoughts and feelings? What keeps them going, making them stronger or more entrenched? How has all this affected me, my life, my relationships with others? With God?
12. If I could go back and tell my younger self anything, what would it be? If my future self came back to tell me something today, what would it tell me? [Take your best guess about what it is that you really need to hear right now.]
13. If I could yell something about myself from the mountaintops or wore a sign everyone could see that contains everything I wish others knew about me, things I wish I could tell others but don’t, what would it say? [Tell all of this to God. He cares and will listen.]
14. What changes would I like to make in my life and in how I view (feel/think about) myself? (Maybe brainstorm starting with “I’d love to be …” or “I wish I was …”) Are these changes possible? Are they good and godly? Are they fair to me and reasonable? If so, what can I do to start making these changes? [Ask God to help you with this.]
15. In what ways are my current relationships good? In what ways do I wish they were different? What can I do to try to make them better? [We can’t make other people change or make them put more effort into the relationship, but we can do our part to try to make it better. And that’s all we’re responsible for.]
16. How would I describe my relationship with God right now? What do I like about it? What do I dislike? (Am I honest with Him or dishonest/closed off? Do I seek Him or do I pursue my own desires/plans? Do I trust Him or not? Am I afraid of Him, uninterested in Him, angry at Him, avoiding Him, etc.?) What caused me to be this way with Him? [Spend time in prayer, talking all this over with God. Be honest when honesty is needed, confess what needs to be confessed, and ask for any help or healing you need.]
17. What do I wish was different about my relationship with God? What kind of relationship do I want to have with Him? What changes, if any, can I make to improve it? [Ask Him for His opinion on this. Listen for His answer over time. Search the Word for guidance and Truth.]
18. Am I pursuing and relying on God? Am I pursuing or relying on anything else besides Him? What is it? Do I try to find my value, worth, comfort, hope, answers, purpose, etc. in anything else besides Him? If so, what? Is it working? What effect is it having on me and my life?
19. Are there any ways I have let other people’s opinions of me or treatment of me (unfair, negative, unhelpful, unloving, destructive opinions/treatment) affect me in a bad way? [Tell God that you forgive these people for hurting you. And ask Him to heal these heart-wounds and to undo the damage these people have done to your heart and life, to turn it around for good.]
20. What are some lies from Satan that I have been believing and living? What is God’s response to them? [Seek His Truth in prayer and in the Word.]
21. (Pray about this before answering.) What kind of person do I think God wants me to be? What in my life needs to change (specific behaviors, thoughts, feelings, ways I treat others/relate to others, fears, habits, sinful strongholds, values, morals, characteristics, etc.)? [If you can’t think of anything, ask a trusted friend or family member. They can usually see what we refuse to see and what we think we keep hidden. Or think of the things others have told you before that you need to work on, things you got defensive about or wouldn’t listen about.]
22. What can I do to change, to improve? What does God say about it? What help will He give me? [Ask God “What do You want me to know or do right now?”]
23. Is there anything else on my mind right now? Anything else God wants me to know, deal with, or do? What does He want me to do next on this journey of healing and spiritual growth? [Ask Him, and listen for His answer.]
Bible Reading/Absorbing the Word:
It took time for our self-views to be damaged; it’s going to take time to heal them with God’s truth. Find as many verses as you can about how God sees us, how He relates to us, how He helps us, and about His promises to us. Make a list of verses that speak to any fear, doubt, sin, lie, or half-truth that keeps you in bondage. Meditate on them. Memorize them. Speak them out loud daily to drill them into your head. And when Satan reminds you of the hurtful things from your past, remind him of what God said about it. If we start taking God at His Word, we’ll be more protected spiritually, and God will help heal our damaged self-views, correct the bad paths we’re on, and turn the bad into good. [And remember that obedience is crucial. If we won’t obey God, He can’t help us. Don’t let your feelings lead you. Let God’s Truth lead you, even when you don’t feel like it. He will bless your obedience, and your feelings will eventually fall in line.] Here are some verses to start with (along with others from this section). Meditate on the ones that speak to you. Ask God what He wants you to learn from them and how to apply them to your life:
Deuteronomy 31:8: “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Joshua 1:9: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
2 Kings 6:16: "Don't be afraid... Those who are with us are more than those who are with them."
2 Chronicles 7:14-15: “if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place.”
2 Chronicles 14:11: “Lord, there is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty. Help us, O Lord, our God, for we rely on you, and in your name we have come against this vast army. O Lord, you are our God; do not let man prevail against us.”
Psalm 9:9-10: "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who hope in your name will trust in you, for you, O Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."
Psalm 23: “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
Psalm 25:3-9: “No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame … Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O Lord. Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.”
Psalm 33:18, 20-21: "But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those who hope in his unfailing love…. We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name."
Psalm 34:17-18: “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 40:1-2: “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”
Psalm 46:10-11: “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.”
Psalm 55:16-17,22: “But I call to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning, and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice…. Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.”
Psalm 118:6: “The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”
Psalm 138:6-8: “Though the Lord is on high, he looks upon the lowly, but the proud he knows from afar. Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever – do not abandon the work of your hands.”
Psalm 139:13-14: “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful…”
Proverbs 18:10: "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe."
Isaiah 26:3: “You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”
Isaiah 35:3-4: “Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, do not fear; your God will come … to save you.”
Isaiah 40:29: "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."
Isaiah 41:10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 49:23: “… Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.”
Matthew 5:3-12: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven ..."
Matthew 6:33-34: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 11:28: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
John 8:36: “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”
John 14:27: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you… Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
John 15:5: “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”
John 16:33: “… In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Romans 8:37-39: “No, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 10:31: “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
Romans 12:2: “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing, and perfect will.”
Romans 15:13: “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
1 Corinthians 6:19-20: “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”
1 Corinthians 10:13: “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-4: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”
2 Corinthians 5:7: “We live by faith, not by sight.”
2 Corinthians 10:3-4: “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of this world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.”
Galatians 2:20: “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
Galatians 5:16: “So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.”
Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”
Ephesians 2:4-5: “But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.”
Ephesians 6:11-13: “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the … powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.”
Philippians 1:6: “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6-7: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”
Colossians 3:12-16: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in your richly …”
2 Thessalonian 3:3: “But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.”
2 Timothy 1:7: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 4:18: "The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen."
Hebrews 4:16: “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
James 1:5: “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”
James 4:7-8,10: “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you…. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”
1 Peter 2:9: “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”
1 Peter 5:6-10: “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”
1 John 2:17: “The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.”
Revelation 22:20: “ ‘Yes, I am coming soon.’ Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.”
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