I was listening to a Christian speaker today who was talking about feminism and about how women have been taught to fear or be discontent with traditional roles. And I was thinking about all that I have written about my anxiety and “depression” as I am struggling to keep a house clean and raise kids and feel like I am doing a good job at anything. And I realized that someone might think that I am a sounding like a feminist, that I am unhappy at home in a traditional role. Someone might think that I must be unhappy being a stay-at-home mom, that I would be more fulfilled if I shed the old-fashioned role of “woman in the house raising kids” and went out and made something of myself in the world or workplace. And so I want to clarify . . . Even though I struggle with feeling like I matter or like I can make a difference or do my job well, I am most fulfilled being a wife and mother, loving my family and raising my kids. This is where I belong. And I have no doubt about that!
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
I said something in the last post that I want to pick up on. I said that I was “tired of pursuing God so much.” And my thought today is “Is it possible to pursue Him too much?” Now, most Christians probably don’t pursue Him enough. And many pursue Him just enough. But is it possible to run after Him too much, too hard?
I think “yes.”
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
I had a dream last night. One of those dreams where you wonder, “Was that supposed to tell me something?” And I’m trying to figure it out this morning. I was going somewhere in a car with other people, and one of my brothers was driving. We were in a big SUV and zooming down the highway. But my brother (who was driving) kept looking down or into the glove compartment. And every time he did, we would drift to the side of the road. All of us passengers were sure we were going to crash, so we kept yelling at him to keep his eyes on the road.
We’ve all been there – that crushing fear of things going bad, of health scares, of dying, of losing people we love. Being human means that we face real, imagined, and potential tragedies all the time. So what do we do about it? How can we handle it in a godly way?
Monday, April 28, 2014
Recently, I was visiting the blog of a celebrity who is currently in the news because she is going through a hard, personal time. I do not visit celebrity websites. Nor do I buy those trash magazines to keep up with the lives of celebrities. (But I do read them in the waiting rooms. Just being honest!) I stopped supporting those magazines a decade ago after I saw a show where a celebrity was trying to take their young kid sight-seeing. And the paparazzi were pushing in on them so badly that they had to turn around and go back to their hotel. And I thought, What are we doing to these celebrities? Imposing on their lives so badly, all for the sake of our entertainment? And I felt a personal responsibility to not support that kind of stuff anymore. Personally, the whole “celebrity worship” thing disgusts me. But I really wanted to try to leave a word of encouragement for this one celeb going through a hard time. I mean, why not? She’s a person, too.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
I really did intend to be done with this blog after the last post. I felt that it ended on a good note, and I was ready to put the blog behind me. But there always seems to be something new (or not so new) that I want to say. And since I don’t really talk to others about my thoughts too much, I guess I kinda need this blog as an outlet. So I’m back for now.
What I wanted to talk about this post is what has gone on since the last two posts, the “impaling my arm on the trellis” incident (posted on 4-14, but it happened on 4-19) and the day that God filled me with indescribable joy and peace (4-15).
If you read the last posts, you’ll see that I struggled with a kind of depression for a long time. And on 4-15, God sent me a deep feeling of peace in Him. It was wonderful. Refreshing. I had ached for that kind of peace and contentment for so long because I was so tired of feeling down. But it would be misleading to end the blog with that post, to make it seem like once God brought the peace, everything was hunky-dory.
The thing is, this spiritual life is a constant battle. We are never supposed to let our guard down. Never drop our armor.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
(You may have read a lot of this in the post about “My Everyday Prayer” because I also posted it there. But today is the day I wrote it!)
For the longest time, as you can tell if you’ve read the past posts, I have been struggling with a sort of depression, feeling like there are so many things that just aren’t going right in my life. When I started this blog, I decided not to sugar coat the Christian life. I have lots of struggles when it comes to my views of myself, questions about prayer, feelings of failure and like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, etc. And I felt that is was important for me to be honest with this “dark side” of myself.
Monday, April 14, 2014
I did a very stupid thing the other day. (Technically, I did this on April 19, but I am posting it for today to get it in before the last post.) And, of course, I just have to share it.
I had just said good-bye to my husband and sons as they left for a store. Since they were going to a really boring store – the kind of store that makes me groan and wish I were someplace else - I decided to stay home. I was going to do a little gardening all by myself. And it would be a peaceful, relaxing hour without anyone around. But as they pulled away,
Saturday, April 12, 2014
There have been so many disappointments in my life. (Not only my life, but life in general on this earth.) So many things that make me feel discouraged . . . make me feel bad about myself . . . make me wonder if I’m doing anything worthwhile or right, or wonder if I matter.