Repost: Get Comfortable

            In our country, we are told over and over again things like:

            “Follow your heart.”

            “Make your own way.”

            “Never take ‘no’ for an answer.”

            “You can be anything you want or do anything you want.”

            “Apply yourself and all your dreams will come true.”

            (How else could we have so many reality shows where people want to be singers?)

            We are told that anything is possible.  We can make it happen by dreaming big and reaching high and wanting it badly enough.  In fact, look at all the commercials and advertisements that tell us that “We deserve it.”  It doesn’t matter what it is – a luxury car, a vacation, a break, a new phone . . . “We deserve it.”  And it doesn’t matter how little effort or hard work we put in . . . “We deserve it.” 

            But while these statements can be encouraging and can get young people to dream big and try hard and aim high (and become greedy), I think they can be misleading and give false hope.  For many of us, no matter how high we aim, we can’t seem to reach the moon.  Our great efforts fizzle and we end up crashing back down to earth, landing in the mud. 

            What about all those wonderful promises that we can get whatever we want and that “we deserve it”?     

Rest!

            “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  (Matthew 11:28-30)

            This verse really speaks to my soul right now.  It is exactly what I need.  Rest.  To put down the burdens I carry around with me.  I’m just not sure how to do it.

            A couple days ago, I asked God one of my “250 Questions to Ask God.”  It was “Since You know what’s best for me, what do I need most right now?”  I had been struggling with concerns and frustrations and disappointments.  With God’s silence even.  And I didn’t know what to pray for anymore, but I needed to hear something from God.  So I asked Him this question.  Because I don’t know what I need right now.  I just know I need something.  And for a couple days, He didn’t answer.   

A Little Marriage Advice

            I wrote this advice for a young couple at our church who was getting married, some would say “too young.”  While I didn’t marry too young (I was nearly 24), I did marry my first boyfriend, who I began dating at 18.  And I heard things like “be young, have fun . . . date around . . . don’t settle so quickly . . . find someone who will sweep you off your feet.” 

            But I knew (before I ever started dating) that I would only date someone worth marrying.  I would not set my heart up to get broken.  And so when I found “the right guy” at 18, I knew that I was set.  I found the guy I would marry.  I wasn’t dating just for fun.  And I wasn’t about to date around just to see what’s out there.  I found someone worth taking a risk on, I trusted him with my heart, and he proved himself to be trustworthy and loyal and stable. 

            And that’s what I wanted in a marriage.  Not to get “swept off my feet” with someone more flashy or fun or unpredictable.  I like predictable and stable, especially after watching my mom go through a couple divorces. 

            So when this young couple was getting married and facing the “too young, too soon” criticism, I decided to send them a little advice of my own.  And since I think it’s good marriage advice for anyone, I decided to put it in a post, with a few additions.  Just for fun.

Serious Advice 19-20: Relax and Stay Connnected to the Lord

(This "Mom Advice" series - for dads, too - starts at the bottom of the January posts with "Mom Advice #1: Expectations.)

            #19  Parenting is a learning process and we all do it differently.  Go easy on yourself.  When I was a child, I didn’t realize that parents could be scared and clueless and unsure.  That went against the whole idea of being an adult.  Adults knew what to do in any situation.  Adults were confident and wise, even at the ripe old age of twenty-five. 

            I used to think that parents had the answers, that they had an innate sense of what was the right thing to do in any given situation.  And what they didn’t know, they looked up in the big book that they all got when they became parents.  You know, the one with all the answers. 

            Well, maybe I didn’t get in the right line because I never got my book when I had kids.  Instead, the curtain was pulled back and the truth revealed - so much of parenting is really done by the seat of your pants.  Oh, I know some parents do better than others, and it comes more “naturally” to some than to others.  But it’s a job were all of us go from not being parents to being parents.  It’s a job where we all have to learn as we go.  And we all come to learn that we know a lot less than we thought we did.  As I see it, the older you get, the more you learn, the less you know.  Which is why we parents desperately need the Lord.   We need to be constantly on our knees in prayer.

Serious Advice 16-18: Positive Words and Blessings

            #16  Okay, onto a lighter subject!  Proverbs 16: 24:  “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”  Tell your children daily that you love them.  Make it a ritual when they wake up, leave for school, or go to bed.  They love to hear it and they need to hear it.  (And you never know when it will be the last time you get to say it!)  Tell them things you like about them.  Especially if you want that behavior or personality trait to continue.  Hug them with all your might, even when they start to shy away from it.  (But maybe not in front of their friends because, you know, they would just “die of embarrassment, Mom!”)  They will be grown and gone all too soon.  Eighteen years is so short.

Serious Advice 14-15: Protecting Our Children, Spiritual Warfare

            #14  Remember that your children are counting on you to look out for their welfare.  Do not put them in risky situations, either deliberately or by neglecting to find out what’s going on. 

            I remember as a pre-teen that it was time for me to go in for my physical.  And as we sat in the waiting room, my mom told me, “Now, Heather, this doctor is known for being a bit of a pervert.  If he asks you to take off your clothes, tell him your mom said not to.” 

            And then . . . she sent me in there alone. 

Serious Advice 12-13: Wise Decisions, Mompetition, Tolerance

            #12  On a more practical note, take the responsibility of being a wise parent seriously and make conscientious decisions in life.  By all means, put thought into the who, what, where, when, why, and how of raising kids.  God gave them to you to raise.  Never just accept what others say as truth, including the “experts.”  Research it for yourself. 

Serious Advice 6-8: Respect and Uplifting Speech

            #6  The previous points can be summed up in this Biblical principle:  Imagine how you want to be treated and treat your kids likewise.  Good ‘ole Matthew 19:19:  “. . . love your neighbor as yourself . . .”  Well, our closest neighbors are our family members.  It seems so obvious, but it’s amazing how little we show kindness and respect to our family members. 

Serious Advice 9-11: Reaping, Learning, and Modeling

            #9  Always remember, you only get a few years until they are grown.  And when they are, you will reap what you have sown.  Galatians 6:7:  “. . . A man reaps what he sows.”  They will treat you in response to how they were treated.  Parent in such a way that earns their respect and honor.  Don’t expect it just because you are the parent.  1 Peter 2:17:  “Show proper respect to everyone. . .”  Even your children! 

Serious Advice 3-5: Child Eyes, Gentleness, and Discipline

            #3  Here’s another one about seeing it from their point of view:  Get on the child’s level to see things through his eyes in order to interpret his behavior, to figure out why he might be doing something.  Many times, we misinterpret their behavior, and we discipline them unfairly because we aren’t seeing things from their eyes. 

Fun Advice 19-21: Coffee, Criticism, and Curveballs

            #19  Always remember , “Coffee is your friend!”  And when all else goes wrong, “Chocolate never fails!”  Just make sure that you have enough for the kids, too, unless you eat it in a soundproof, airtight room.

            However, I would like to add a caution.  If you are not a coffee drinker, then don’t start.  Coffee may be a friend, but sometimes that friend is like a giant, belligerent gorilla that you willingly strap yourself to with a heavy, fifteen-foot-long chain.  Sure, you can go about business as usual, but only within sight of this demanding beast.  You will go from a happy, relaxed sunshine-greeter to a sullen, foggy-eyed grunter doing the zombie-walk to pay homage to your ape friend first thing in the morning, before he gets angry and begins ruthlessly whipping that chain around.  Then you’ll be sorry!  So I really can’t, in good conscience, recommend this to non-coffee drinkers.  Fair Warning!            

Serious Advice 1-2: Respond to Them

            The last list of advice was a humorous one . . . humorous, but true.  However, on a more serious note, there is another list of rules that I try to live by.  These are beliefs that I have formed, though not executed perfectly, from things that I’ve read and by watching how people (including myself) interact with their kids.  They are ones that you probably will see in some parenting books.  They may not fit for you, but they do for me.  (These do not include specifics or advice on discipline.  There are numerous good books out there about that.  These are just some general principles.  And many of them also speak to how we should relate to all people, not just our children!) 

Fun Advice 16-18: Spots and Messes

            #16  If there is one thing that I know for certain, it’s that, with children, there will be spots.  Get comfortable with spots on your clothes.  When you have young children, you can expect spots of all kinds, from coffee to spaghetti sauce to spit-up to snot.  (Body fluids don’t scare you as much after having children!) 

            And how is it that when I’m mixing batter and one drop flies out of a bowl, it lands square on my shirt in a spot that I don’t really want people staring at?  Despite the fact that it had about 270 other degrees it could have gone?  That, or it will hit me right in the eye, going around the glasses that I’m wearing.  That always amazes me!  I am not kidding, the other night during dinner, R. was sitting three feet away from me.  Three feet!  When he said something, a large piece of food shot out of his mouth, flew around my glasses, and hit me right in the inside corner of my eye, where it proceeded to bother me for an hour.  How in the world? 

Fun Advice 14-15: Having Fun and Sacrificing Ourselves

            #14  Don’t take everything so seriously.  Sometimes we have opportunities to have a little fun with our children.  And that’s okay.  It’s beneficial, even.  Proverbs 15:13:  “A happy heart makes the face cheerful . . .” 

Fun Advice 6-10: Memory, Cereal, Socks, and Mud

            #6  Get in the habit of writing things down.  Before I had kids, I could remember all the phone numbers, and what was happening when and with whom.  Now, if I’m simply asked what day it is, I stare blankly with a confused look on my face.  Day?  What is ‘day’?  Honestly, the wheels are spinning, but nothing is coming to the surface.  Same thing when someone asks me how old I am.  (I have to ask my husband, or figure out how old he is and subtract a year, or recall what year I was born and count up.  Isn’t that pathetic?)  I used to hear that you lose your memory when you have kids.  But I think that you still have the same amount of memory, it just gets spread a lot thinner.  So it’s basically useless.  Write it down! 

            #7  Cereal is an acceptable dinner occasionally.  No guilt allowed! 

Fun Advice 11-13: Fighting, Saying No, and Staying One Step Ahead

            #11  If the balance of power is rather equal and they are not bleeding, then let them handle it.  Don’t step in and fight all their battles for them.  (But don’t allow name calling and other kinds a disrespectful talk.  That’s just not right!  You wouldn’t believe how many disrespectful, naughty children there are on the playgrounds.  Seriously, if parents don’t correct children’s misbehavior, they won’t learn.) 

            In fact, it is a very wise thing to pick your battles carefully.  This is a lesson that only a broken, tired, humbled mother can understand.  If I didn’t pick my battles, I would find myself fighting all day long over the littlest things, especially when my third is so willing to fight me on everything. 

Fun Advice 3-5: Hair Cuts and Conversations

            #3  Never - and I repeat, never - pick up a pair of scissors and impulsively start hacking away at your hair while you are home alone with a little one.  I don’t know, but there’s something about having a baby that makes you want to cut your hair.  Call it the “Steel Magnolias syndrome”.  Well, one day when D. was a baby, I looked in the mirror and realized that I hated my hair and wanted it cut shorter.  I’m one of those that won’t think or care about something for so long, but then as soon as I decide that I don’t like it and want a change, I have to do it NOW!  And that’s what happened with my hair. 

Fun Advice 1-2: Exhaustion

            In all honesty, though, things aren’t as crazy at our house and my children aren’t as wild as I make them out to be.  (Okay, R. really is that wild . . . like a wild stallion.  I can see him growing up to be a bull-fighter, using only his bare hands to throw the bulls around.  He is freakishly strong!  And so willing to fight!  I think a bull is the only animal that could give him a challenge.  My neighbor, Ray, was watching the boys play in our backyard once.  He comes from a family of many, many boys, and he was laughing about R..  “I love watching him play,” he said.  “He is just a little bulldog.”  See!  I’m not the only one that notices it!) 

            But they really are great kids, if I do say so myself.  And they are quite well-behaved (in front of other people, at least).  And they are all really sweet.  I am so thankful that they haven’t yet reached the age where they are embarrassed to hug me or say, “I love you.”  I’m going to enjoy that for as long as I have it.  They are the most endearing little things ever.          

            You know, now that I’m thinking about it, I want to write a list of all the advice I can think of that you won’t learn in a parenting book, such as the four lessons at the beginning of this series.  These are just the kinds of lessons that we learn as we go, the lessons that humble us.  The more kids you have, the more you’ll understand. 

Mom Advice #2-4: The Here-And-Now, Humility

            Letting go of expectations (Lesson #1) relates to Lesson #2:  Look no further into the future than the here-and-now, because it never goes the way you expect it will, either.  That’s actually quite Biblical.  Matthew 6:34:  “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  

            If I wake up and the sun is shining and I feel rested, I make all sorts of plans in my head about what I’m going to accomplish that day.  I’m going to open the windows, let all the fresh air in, clean the whole kitchen, make some breakfast cake, organize our clothes, and take the kids for a long walk.  And then, when all I get done is breakfast, lunch, dinner, and helping the kids with their school-work, I feel like I failed for the day.  

Mom Advice #1: Expectations

            Alright now!  So, here I am - a mother of three young boys.  (Update: When I first wrote this I had three; now I have four.  Oh, and this series is from my other blog, chapter 7 and 8 in the Child of Mine posts.)  I never did go back to work as the counselor that I went to school to become.  (Yet, I have done nothing but work since they arrived.)  Instead, I enlisted.  I enlisted in the ranks of the sleep-deprived; the worn, ragged souls serving at the front lines of the battle.  God bless them!  I am neck deep in Motherhood.   And the battle rages on, as it does in many homes around the world, between mother and child.  Who will dominate?  Who will rule?  Sometimes the battle is too close to tell.