Broken

It hurts to be broken.

It’s being vulnerable, taking a risk with our hearts . . . sometimes winning, sometimes losing.

It’s leaning on others and opening ourselves up to them, to trust, to hope.  Sometimes finding support and acceptance and help, being caught before we hit the ground.  And sometimes being let down and battered, falling flat on our faces when others pull back and fail to catch us.

Sometimes, it’s just a minor annoyance, a pain that we absorb with relative ease, realizing that we are better for it.  And sometimes, it’s more pain than we can bear, feeling like we’ll never be whole again, wanting to curl up in a ball in a dark, lonely corner and fall asleep forever.

Being broken hurts!

And it leaves us different, changed.  It leaves tear-stains on our cheeks.  Scars on our hearts.  Bruises on our souls.  A limp in our walk.

Does anyone care?  Is God listening?  Does He see us cry?  Will He make it all better?  When will the pain end?  When will I go from just existing to really living?  Is this really all there is?

Being vulnerable is risky.  Being broken hurts.  No matter how much you care and how hard you try and how much you hope, life can be mean and unfair and unstable.  It can leave you exhausted and discouraged and depressed, unable to want to care anymore or try anymore or hope anymore.

It can make you want to claw your way out of your own skin, to claw right past the years of heartache that have buried you alive deep inside yourself, to bring out the “you” who hasn’t felt light and free and alive in such a long time.

It can make you want to run and run and run, as fast and as far as you can in any direction, just to get away from where you are.  Maybe even to get away from yourself.

It can make you feel like you're trapped inside a giant balloon that was pulled up over your head and tied shut ... and then the air got sucked out of it, sealing it tightly around your whole body ... and you can’t breathe ... and you begin to panic ... and you start to punch and kick, clawing at the balloon that is covering your face so that you can catch a breath of fresh air ... but no matter how much you punch and kick and claw, the balloon moves with you, like a “second skin” that you can’t take off ... you can’t breathe, you can’t get away from it ... all you can do is stop fighting it, stop caring, stop trying ... just lay down and accept it ... barely existing.

Being broken hurts.  And the scars that are left on your heart and your soul are ugly and tender to touch.  And they never really go away.

But . . . they make us more human.  They make us real.  The pain lets us know that we are alive.  That we need God.  And that it’s okay to need Him, to lean on Someone bigger than us when our strength is gone and our energy is spent and we have no other hope left.  We don’t have to do it ourselves.  We don’t have to fix it all.  We don’t have to be enough.  Because we can lean on the One who is!

We are human.  And that’s okay!  He loves us anyway!

Life will kick us all down at some point.  It will stomp on our heads and repeatedly kick us in the sides while we lie on the ground in a battered heap, crying and bleeding and hurting.

And when it does, we have a decision to make:

... Let the brokenness harden us more, making our self-protective walls stronger and thicker so that we can keep God and others out, protecting us from further risk and vulnerability and pain (which isn’t going to work anyway)

... or let the brokenness soften the walls around our heart so that God’s love can break through and flood it with His healing ... so that we learn that it’s okay to be human, to be more real with God and others, to let them see our pain and brokenness ... so that we can see and admit our need for grace and mercy and forgiveness and love and compassion, the very things that God offers us so freely ... and so that our heart becomes soft enough that it expands, filling with grace, mercy, forgiveness, love, and compassion for others, too, for those who hurt and are broken and who mess up, just like we do.

A heart that has never been broken - a soul that has never been humbled – cannot really understand its daily, desperate need for the Lord and cannot feel genuine empathy and compassion for others when they hurt.

Being broken either makes us more phony or it makes us more real.  It either makes us “different from others” or it makes us more human.  It either fills us with indignation and bitterness or with humility and compassion.  It either makes us shut down more or it brings us to life more. 

I choose real.

I choose more human. 

I choose humility and compassion. 

I choose life.

It’s okay to be broken! 

I do not regret the things that have broken me.

In suffering, I have learned to let go of control and idols and wayward priorities and the kind of “trust in God” that comes only when I am getting my way.  I have learned the difference between gratitude and entitlement, between humble faith and presumptuousness.

I have learned that it’s okay to not know the answers when you know the One who does, to be weak when you are leaning on the One who is strong, to fall apart in front on the One who can put you back together.

I have learned to trust Him, even in the dark.  To cling during the heartbreak and long trials.  To praise in the pain, instead of just when things are good and I’m getting what I want.  To be as content as possible in the “lack of . . .” and in the unfulfilled dreams because I know that this life isn’t all there is, the best is yet to come.

And you can’t learn these precious lessons during the easy times.  But only in the heartbreaking trials.

I do not regret the things that have broken me.

In suffering alone can you learn to say and really mean, “I need You.  I trust You, no matter what.  Your will be done.  It is well with my soul because I know You are there and You are walking with me and You are going to work it out somehow, even if I never see how until eternity.  My hope is in You.  My joy is in You.  Whether You give or take away, blessed be Your name!”

In fact, I have learned how stable He is only by going through times when everything else I trusted in was shaken to pieces, when all my efforts and dreams and hopes failed, when I was forced to simply sit at His feet in exhausted silence instead of trying to force my will on life, when I learned to “be still and know He is God,” even in the storms.

Because nothing else but Him is worth planting my feet on.  Nothing else really matters but His presence and comfort and grace.

Going through the world-shaking, sky-falling, self-confidence-crushing trials has taught me to listen more instead of just talking.  To follow instead of lead.  To transparently and humbly cry out to Him instead of stuffing my feelings and plastering on a “good Christian” smile.  To realize just how weak I am and how desperately I need Him, instead of just relying on myself.  Not just need His gifts or His help . . . but need Him.  Just more of Him.

Even when my world is shaking and the sky falls down around me, my feet are planted on a sure, stable Foundation.  The only sure, stable Foundation there is.

I do not regret the things that have broken me.

They are the things that have humbled me.  That have made me feel more deeply and purely.  Made me reprioritize, remembering that only the eternal things will last.  Made me stronger in invisible ways.  Made me learn that it’s okay when the bitter is mixed with the sweet, because that’s how life really is.  Made me more sensitive to others, more compassionate, more gracious.  Made me reach more for my God.  Made me learn what trust really is and what it really isn’t, helping me learn to still trust Him in the “no” and the “not yet.”  Made me more human, more real.  Made me know that I am alive and that pain isn’t all bad and that eternity is right around the corner.

While life might not be easy . . . it is worth it!  Because of who He is and because of how much He loves us. 

And someday, He will welcome us Home and all things will be made right again.  And we’ll see the beauty that was wrought from the mess, the perfect that was created from the broken.  And we’ll find eternal rest and joy for our souls.

And I can live with messy and broken until then.

I do not regret the things that have broken me.

Life is good (even when it’s not) because God is good.  A good, loving, gracious, merciful, forgiving, compassionate God.  And it is into His hands that I commit the broken pieces of my heart and my life, trusting Him to turn them into something wonderful.  And until then . . . I simply cling to Him.  Refusing to let go.  Because I know that He is real.  And He is good.  And He is love.  Always!

And so even when I don't understand what He is doing, I can trust Him. 

Always!

[Honestly by The City Harmonic]

Is Depression a Sin?

            This issue came up recently when I was talking with some other women.  Someone had read off a list of sins and it included depression.  And one of the women asked the rest of us what we thought about that.  As someone who struggles with depressed feelings a lot, it got me really wondering if it’s right to call it “sin.”

            Of course, the word depression doesn’t appear in the Bible, so this issue requires some conjecture, some outside-the-box thinking.  But my first reaction to this question was:  “Calling it a sin isn’t going to help anyone who is struggling with it.  You can’t just say, ‘You are sinning and you need to stop it,’ and expect that someone is going to be able to go, “Oh, you’re right.  I’ll stop being depressed and start feeling joyful.’” 

            It doesn’t happen that way.  And it may actually be more harmful to talk like that.  In some ways, I think calling depression a sin is irresponsible.  It will only add to the pain and self-loathing someone feels instead of helping at all.  And it will make them want to pull back and suffer in silence.

Help for Anxiety, Depression, and Suicidal Thoughts

(June 12, 2018)  

It's so sad to hear about all the celebrities who have recently committed suicide (or about anyone who has committed suicide, for that matter).  My heart breaks for them, for the pain they went through, and for the ones who love them, for the pain they are now going through.  It is truly a tragedy.

To anyone who is hurting really badly, who is struggling with overwhelming anxiety or depression, who is considering taking their own lives ... I dedicate this post.  Please, take some time to look through some of the links here.  This is a round-up of some on-line resources or posts about dealing with anxiety or depression, particularly as a Christian.


But first:

Quick tips for help:

If you are desperate for some immediate help and don't want to look through the links I have below, try some of these (but if it's really bad and you might hurt yourself, call 911 or go to the emergency room):

War Rooms, Praying Scripture, and Spiritual Warfare

(reposted from my other blog - My Crazy Faith)

I strongly believe that there are angels and demons.  That prayer matters.  That there is a spiritual battle going on around us all the time ... and that we need to get involved in it, actively and consciously.  (Something I haven't been doing lately.)  

Regardless of if we want it or not, we are constantly facing spiritual battles.  But if we don't acknowledge them - if we stick our head in the sand and refuse to get involved, to put on our spiritual armor, to use the spiritual weapons that are available to us - we open ourselves up to deceptions, to defeat, to being very vulnerable to the strategies and attacks of the evil one.

What I have done here is compile a list of posts on spiritual warfare, on praying Scripture, and on creating a War Room (or War Journal).


Have you ever seen War Room?

You should.  It's a great movie.  And it is so relevant to real life.  To the life that is most real - the spiritual life.

Heart's True Desire

            “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”  (Psalm 37:4) 

            I used to think - hope - that this meant that God would bring us the things that our hearts desired.  If we desired stability, we would get stability.  If we desired marriage, we would find a spouse.  If we desired success, we would be successful.  If we wanted happiness, we’d be happy. 

            But this is simply not the way it is.  We don’t always get the “desires” of our heart.  People don’t always get the much hoped-for child, the healing, the stable home-life, the job, the house.  So how am I to understand that verse?  I mean, if I didn’t get what I desired then I would have to wonder if there was something wrong with my faith or the way I asked or if I was displeasing to Him.  If I wasn’t getting what I desired, was it Him or was it me?       

            Our search for the things that delight us can become more than just desires and wants.  They can become idols, something that consumes us, that we focus all of our energy on.  And this will negatively affect our emotions and our spiritual lives. 

Put That Burden Down!

            “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  (Matthew 11:28-30)

            What kinds of burdens weigh you down?  How can these verses be applied to your life?

            I think there are many different kinds of burdens that we carry around that we were never meant to carry.  And we need to put those burdens down and take Jesus’ yoke upon us instead.   

Willing to Bend? Embracing Hope!

            Since the beginning of this year, I have been praying that God would give me a “word of the year.”  And for awhile, I thought it was grace - as in “My grace is sufficient,” as in finding His grace anywhere I can each day (even if I wish that so many things were different), and as in I need to extend more grace to other people.  I do not like the negative way I view people sometimes, quick judgments that I might make about them.  And I want to really “see the person behind the snap judgment.”  I want to be more graceful in my view of others.  So grace sounded good to me.  But I was the one who picked that word, because it seemed to fit. 

            But last night (Jan 28), I was praying again, “Lord, do You have a word for my year or month?”  I really wanted to know what word He wanted for me.  And just as I finished praying, the word “hope” popped into my mind.  “Hope,” it seems, is to be my word.  At least for the month of February.  (I am trying to ask each month for a new word, as part of my “Chicken Challenge,” posted earlier this month.)

            And as soon as I heard the word “hope,” my heart went, Oh, no.  Not that one.  I was a bit bothered that God gave me that word.  (As least I think it was from Him.  I am learning to identify when it’s from my own thoughts and when it’s not.)

            I know this is going to sound terrible, but hear me out. 

Gifts From God?

            James 1:2-4:  “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

            I am reading a book right now by a woman who lost her mother to cancer.  And she is struggling with the common Christian idea that all trials and tragedies are “gifts from God, meant for our good” and that we are to be thankful for them. 

            Are we supposed to accept infertility, fatal car accidents, chronically-ill children, divorce, disease, cancer, natural disasters, the death of loved ones, etc. as “gifts from God” that He has deliberately given us for our good?  Are we required to push away any pain or heartache or frustration because these are “gifts from God”? 

            I would say “No”!

I am weak and I need You!

            What is it that we always say to encourage people going through a hard time?

            “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”

            But guess what?

            It’s not true. 

            “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered . . . We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we even despaired of life.  Indeed, in our hearts, we felt the sentence of death.  But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.”  (2 Corinthians 1:8-9)

Why I Could Never Be an Atheist!

            “The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God.’”  (Psalm 14:1)

             “For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities - his eternal power and divine nature - have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.”  (Romans 1:20)

            I have gone through some hard times recently.  Long, dry spiritual times, the kind that could leave you wondering if you only convinced yourself all along that there is a God.  He has been so silent, so distant.  My soul has ached for more than what He is giving right now.  I cry out but hear nothing.  I pray and pray about certain things.  And . . . nothing happens.  I want to feel like I matter to Him, and I guess maybe I expect Him to do what I am asking as a way to show me that He cares, that I matter.  But it doesn’t happen.

Which One?

            Religion says I am . . . Broken, Imperfect, Sinful, Stupid, Helpless, Worthless

            Science says I am . . . Filled with Potential, Full of Wonder, Intelligent, Capable, Beautiful, Headed for Greatness

            Which one of these is more harmful?

            I saw a picture of a little girl holding up a sign like this, with a great big smile on her face.  Yet, she was clearly too young to understand what the sign meant.  It was her parents who wrote it.  And as I looked at the list and the little girl’s smiling face, I felt sorry for the parents.  Either they have been really hurt  by “religion” before or else they misunderstand it terribly.     Actually, what I should say is that there are “religions” out there that are very damaging.  I have no doubt that people have been scarred by the mean things that some religions teach or by the way some people try to force their religious beliefs on others.  So I don’t know what “religion” they are referring to. 

            But thankfully, Christianity is not a “religion.”  Religion is about rules created by an institution to work our way to God.  But Christianity is about a relationship with God, about admitting that we can’t work our way to God but that He is leaning down to draw near to us.  We can’t work out way to heaven, but we don’t have to.  Because He made a way through Jesus’ death on the cross.  He is holding out His hand and all we have to do it grasp it, in faith.  So while her list might be about “religion,” it is a gross misrepresentation of Christianity. 

Gay Marriage

What should a Christian do about the new gay-marriage laws? 

 

1.  For starters, don’t panic!
            “The Lord answered Moses, ‘Is the Lord’s arm too short?’”  (Numbers 11: 23)
            “But the Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him.”  (Habakkuk 2:20)
            God has not lost control.  He is still on the throne.  Nor has anyone changed His laws and truths.  It bothers me when I hear Christians freaking out and saying, “Man is changing God’s laws!  Man is changing God’s laws!”  No, we aren’t.  Call it what they want, it still doesn’t change the fact that God decided that marriage is between one man and one woman.  And God’s laws still stand.   
            Just because society redefines "marriage" doesn't mean that God has.  Just because some churches are going against the Bible and claiming that now certain lifestyles are acceptable doesn't mean that God has. 
            We who hold to the clear teaching of Scripture do not need to be terrified of or confused about the "changes" that society makes.  Because it doesn't really change anything in God’s eyes.  We do not need to panic or freak out, acting like the sky is falling and like it’s our responsibility to hold it up, and acting like mere people can actually change His abiding truths.

Most Important Question!

            “[Jesus] asked his disciples, ‘Who do people say the Son of Man is?’

            They replied, ‘Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets.’

            ‘But what about you?’ he asked.  ‘Who do you say I am?’”  (Matthew 16:13-15)

           

            “Who do you say I am?”

            This is the most important question we will ever consider.  The most important question we will ever answer.  And we are all asked it.  We all have to answer it.  And it will determine our eternity.

            Who do you say Jesus is?

An August 2015 Update: Wrestling with God

It is August 20, 2015 right now, early in the morning before all the kids wake up.  It’s quiet and peaceful as I sit here on the stairs by the window, looking out on the reblooming lilac that has exactly one blossom left, typing this update.  It is my favorite kind of morning.  Last night, some very chilly air blew in, pushing out the hot and humid days we have been having.  And when I took my coffee, my homemade chocolate-chip breakfast scones, and my Bible outside to the backyard swing this morning, I had to wear a jacket.  I love that!  I love jacket weather.  I love it that the sky is dark and cloudy and it looks like a storm is on the way.  This kind of weather makes me feel alive!

            
We have actually been quite blessed this year with the weather.  The spring was really long, with many, many cool, rainy days, right up into June.  And there have been very few really hot days.  And now, fall has come early.  The weather has been so mild that my fall mums started blooming in mid-July.  All the plants are confused.

            
Anyway, I decided to write an update about this year’s gardening experience, about life.  Life can be interesting. 

ISI 17: Is Depression a Sin?

[This Bible study starts here.  And remember that my answers to some of the questions are in [brackets].]

Icebreaker Question:

When have you laughed the hardest in your life?  Is there anything that never fails to make you laugh?

Open With Prayer

Read Lesson:

            Originally, I didn’t have this one in the Bible study.  But over the past few years (and more), I have really struggled with depression.  (If you read the introduction to the Bible study, you can get a sense why, although there are other reasons, too.)  And on-line and in real life, I have found a lot of other people who are struggling with it, too, even Christians. 

            And the sad thing is, not only do they already feel guilty and alone . . . but then other Christians make them feel like “bad Christians” and like they should be ashamed of themselves for having depression or taking medication.  They condemn and judge the hurting person, instead of extending compassion and grace and help.  And that gets me mad!  Freakin’ boiling mad!!!  (Oh, it gets me so mad!)

            And so I decided to combine parts from a couple posts that I recently wrote over at myimpressionisticlife.blogspot.com and add them as part of this Bible study.  I wrote it for the hurting, depressed person who is ashamed of themselves for hurting, who is afraid to speak up about it for fear of being condemned, and who feels alone in their struggles and like there must be something wrong with them. 

ISI 14: Radical Obedience

[This Bible Study starts here.  And remember that my answers to some of the questions are in [brackets].]

Icebreaker Question:
If they made a movie of your life, who should play you (and your spouse, if you are married)?  What kind of movie would it be, what should it be called, and what would be the main themes? 

Open With Prayer

Read Lesson and Bible Verses:

            I would have to say that of all the things a Christian is called to do, this has got to be one of the most important.  (If any one of them can be considered more important than the others.)  And I’m not saying this like God necessarily needs our obedience or else He’ll be at a helpless loss.  But because obedience says the most about our relationship with God.  Obedience tells us if we are able to hear Him, if we trust Him enough and are willing enough to do what He says, if we have humbled ourselves before Him, and if we love Him and have really made Him God of our lives. 

            Let’s take a moment to explore some of what the Bible says about obedience:

ISI 12: God's Word

[This Bible Study starts here.  And remember that my answers to some of the questions are in [brackets].]

Icebreaker Question:

What are some of your favorite songs?  Ones that make you want to turn up the music and dance, sing out loud, or that make you cry?  Any songs you can’t stand? 

Open With Prayer

Read Lesson:

            Okay, I am assuming here that we have all been Christians for a long time and that we all know the importance of God’s Word.  Now then, raise your hand if you live like the Bible is “extra-credit”?  Or do you live like you really believe that the Bible is crucial to your day, your life, your walk with the Lord?  

            I fear that in our day and age of being too familiar and comfortable with God and His Word (in America), we have lost the sense of awe and fear of Him and His Word.  It’s too familiar, and we are too comfortable.  We have heard the Bible stories again and again.  We pick them apart as objects of study, to be looked at closely under a microscope.  It is educational and academic.  Or we pick them apart so that we can piece them back together again in a way we like better.  We twist them for our own ends.  Or we just shrug our shoulders and yawn and ignore it. 

ISI 6: Forgiveness

[This Bible Study starts here.  And remember that my answers to some of the questions are in [brackets].]

Icebreaker Question:

Who in your life, in the world, or in history do you most admire?  (Besides Jesus.)  Why?  Who in the Bible (besides Jesus) do you most admire, relate to, or find intriguing?   

Open With Prayer

Read Lesson and Bible Verses:

            Okay, so we looked at our relationship with the Lord and how our past and our fears affect it.  Now let’s turn our attention outward, to other people.  As humans, we all hurt others and are hurt by others.  And the world’s way to deal with this is to hold grudges or to punish others.  But God has a lot to say about forgiveness – His forgiveness of us and our forgiveness of others.  And these have major impacts on our relationship with Him and our standing before Him. 

            Mark 11:25:  “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”  

            Matthew 6:14-15:  “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” 

            Psalm 66:18:  “. . . If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened”

ISI 5: A Proper Balance

[This Bible Study starts here.  And remember that my answers to some of the questions are in [brackets].]

Icebreaker Question:

What three things would you love to do before you leave this planet?

Open With Prayer

Read Lesson:

            1 John 4:15-18: “If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God.  And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love.  . . . There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

            The truth in this verse never really stood out to me until I took down the walls that were around my heart and let God flood my heart with His love and heal the old wounds.  When the walls were up, I was relating to Him out of fear.  I did love Him and knew in my head that He loved me – because the Bible told me so – but I didn’t live out of His love.  I lived out of fear that I would pray wrong, speak wrong, displease Him, let Him down, fail Him, etc.  I feared His wrath.  I feared being abandoned.  I feared everything because I wasn’t able to really know and rely on His love.  Not until the walls came down. 

ISI 3: Humble Like a Child

[This Bible Study starts here.  And remember that my answers to some of the questions are in [brackets].]

Icebreaker Question:

If you had one weekend to spend any way you wanted and money was not an issue, how would you spend your weekend? 

Open With Prayer

Read Lesson:

            Matthew 18:2-4:  “He called a little child and had him stand among them.  And he said:  ‘I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.  Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.’” 

            Whoever humbles himself like a child!  This, I believe, should be the ultimate goal of every believer.  Humility.  Brokenness.  Now, everyone might define humility a little differently, but here’s my attempt at it: 

            Humility is recognizing and freely admitting that we are needy, helpless, and dependent.  It’s knowing that we need our Heavenly Father desperately, that we are helpless to do anything without Him, and that we are fully dependent on Him daily.  It’s resting in and so completely trusting His goodness and love that no matter what happens, we can still say, “Father, I trust You.”  And it’s knowing that everything is by His power and for His glory, and wanting nothing more than to see Him glorified in our lives.  To me, this is what it means to be humbled, to be “sweetly broken” (as the song by Jeremy Riddle calls it – listen to it if you can.  It’s wonderful).