Because He Deserves It!

            One of the most gorgeous days today.  In a long time.  It was in the 60’s and sunny with a nice, little breeze.  And so we took off school today to enjoy this wonderful blessing.  (We save our Spring Break days for the good days and work through the yucky ones.)  And so I had a chance to work in the garden: cleaning up weeds, planting onions, trimming dead rose branches.  (This last winter was brutal.  I had to cut all my roses down to the ground except my old-fashioned shrub roses: Therese Bugnet, Blanc Double de Coubert, and Rose de Rescht.  I’m praying that they all come back fine.)    

            But I’ve noticed something this spring.  After having a very depressed winter – struggling to adjust to this deep loneliness, accepting the fact that the book I wrote is going nowhere, and dealing with the fears that I’ll never do a “good enough” job in any area of my life – I had really hoped that I would find some joy in the garden. 

The Hobbit

(updated) 

I was driving to the flower shop today to pick up some onion transplants when I heard a line from a song that really stuck with me.  It was something about ‘not knowing how the journey will end.’  And it hit me that that’s exactly what has always scared me about life ... not knowing where things are headed.  To me, everything feels doomed, like tragedy and heartache are always right around the corner.  And so I guess I live with a constant, deep sense of anxiety and discouragement.  Always waiting for the next bad thing. 

            

And I began to think, "Why do I always have to think that ‘not knowing how this journey will end’ means ‘tragedy and trouble are up ahead’?  Why can’t it mean ‘exciting, unexpected adventures and surprises await you’?  Why can’t I look forward into the hazy, foggy future with ‘Oh, cool, maybe something great will happen soon,’ instead of always with ‘Oh no!’?  How different life would feel if I looked forward to the future instead of dreaded it, or if I counted the blessings instead of the problems and fears."  

            

(I think this comes with a broken home life, among other things.  Things just don’t feel secure and carefree after watching your family break apart.  Several times.) 

            

I wish I could feel the way some people do, the lightness and optimism, the feeling that life is generally good but has moments of bad.  I, on the other hand, feel like it’s mostly negative but with moments of positive.  My husband and sons, my faith, and a friend or two are the only real bright spots, and I live to (hopefully) reflect Christ to others.  But the rest is just ... there.  And I have to look hard to find the positives in each day, to find the joys.

Refuse Me, Lord

            I have to say that I feel better now.  Things aren’t perfect, of course.  The work is still there every day.  The lack of contact with friends.  But I feel better after having vented it all out to my husband.  (Last post.)  I really needed to say those things.  Even if nothing was going to change or get “fixed,” I just needed to feel like I was heard.  And I feel more relaxed now.  More at peace.

            Not only did the venting help, but it is getting a tiny bit warmer now.  Some snow is melting, and we were able to go for a walk the other day.  First time in many weeks.  And I also think a certain prayer helped me relax, too.  One I never thought to pray before. 

Losing It!

            Well, I think winter finally got the best of me.  I lost it earlier today to my husband (not because of him, just to him).  I was having “one of those days.” 

An August 2015 Update

            It is August 20, 2015 right now, early in the morning before all the kids wake up.  It’s quiet and peaceful as I sit here on the stairs by the window, looking out on the reblooming lilac that has exactly one blossom left, typing this update.  It is my favorite kind of morning.  Last night, some very chilly air blew in, pushing out the hot and humid days we have been having.  And when I took my coffee, my homemade chocolate-chip breakfast scones, and my Bible outside to the backyard swing this morning, I had to wear a jacket.  I love that!  I love jacket weather.  I love it that the sky is dark and cloudy and it looks like a storm is on the way.  This kind of weather makes me feel alive!

            We have actually been quite blessed this year with the weather.  The spring was really long, with many, many cool, rainy days, right up into June.  And there have been very few really hot days.  And now, fall has come early.  The weather has been so mild that my fall mums started blooming in mid-July.  All the plants are confused.

            Anyway, I decided to write an update about this year’s gardening experience, about life.  Life can be interesting. 

Reprint of "Hunting for Tomatoes"

            Okay, I’m going to admit it . . . just say it out loud honestly . . . “It’s not fair.”

            It’s not fair . . . it’s not fair . . . it’s not fair! 

            My whole summer has been ruined by a careless neighbor.  The neighbor’s garage is right behind our property, just five feet from our lovely garden.  And every year, we have noticed a smell, but we never could figure out where it was coming from.  Well, this year, my husband finally realized that it’s the neighbor’s garage.  The windows are broken and it’s piled up with rotting, “hoarder” garbage.  Old appliances and boxes and papers.  And it reeks of mold so bad that we haven’t been able to go out in the garden for the last six weeks.  And since they are directly west of us, the smell (and spores) blows all over us almost every day.  And so we haven’t let our kids outside except for a handful of times in the last six weeks.  (This was written in late-September 2014 and originally posted in July's posts, but I have reposted it in the gardening series since it relates to gardening, too.) 

Homemade Cleaners and Personal Products Using Essential Oils

(I have recently updated this post to include new info and new recipes.)

            Since we are on the topic of recipes and health, I’m going to share recipes for the homemade cleaners and skin care products that I use.  The first thing that started me on the road to “as all natural as practically possible” was household cleaners.  I didn’t like the chemicals and the strong smells of store-bought cleaners.  And who says that you have to kill all germs with anti-bacterial products in order to have a healthy home?  The way I see it, the only thing we are doing is creating superbugs.  Only the strongest germs survive those harsh cleaners, and there are no other bacteria to keep them in check.  Having the healthiest condition possible is all about a proper balance.  And using natural cleaners tips the balance toward “healthy” while not creating these superbugs.  By making homemade cleaners, I am doing my part in creating a healthier home, healthier bodies, and a healthier environment. 

Why We Eat What We Do

            Since we have looked at garden vegetables and recipes this month, I also want to share with you a post from my other blog, “Why We Eat What We Do.”  Now, first off, let me say that these are just my opinions.  It’s the way we choose to eat based on things that I have read.  And read and read and read!  I am making no health promises for you (or for me), but I am challenging you to think deliberately and deeply about what you put into (and on and around) your body.  Our food, I believe, has been designed by God to have a great impact on our health.  And I think that our society is in a deep spiral of self-destruction because of our poor choices.  And so I challenge all people to consider if what you eat feeds your body or harms it. 

The Battle Is Worth It!

            Well, this post brings me to the end of my “garden” series.  The last plants I’m going to talk about are my fruit plants.  Particularly about the raspberries and blackberries. 

Dead Skunks Happen

            We noticed a faint scent of it in the air, but we couldn’t tell where it was coming from.  A few days later, it was a lot a worse.  Right before my son’s birthday party, during an intensely hot week of summer, I began to suspect that it was coming from our backyard.  But I still couldn’t figure out where.