Because He Deserves It!

            One of the most gorgeous days today.  In a long time.  It was in the 60’s and sunny with a nice, little breeze.  And so we took off school today to enjoy this wonderful blessing.  (We save our Spring Break days for the good days and work through the yucky ones.)  And so I had a chance to work in the garden: cleaning up weeds, planting onions, trimming dead rose branches.  (This last winter was brutal.  I had to cut all my roses down to the ground except my old-fashioned shrub roses: Therese Bugnet, Blanc Double de Coubert, and Rose de Rescht.  I’m praying that they all come back fine.)    

            But I’ve noticed something this spring.  After having a very depressed winter – struggling to adjust to this deep loneliness, accepting the fact that the book I wrote is going nowhere, and dealing with the fears that I’ll never do a “good enough” job in any area of my life – I had really hoped that I would find some joy in the garden. 

The Hobbit

(updated) 

I was driving to the flower shop today to pick up some onion transplants when I heard a line from a song that really stuck with me.  It was something about ‘not knowing how the journey will end.’  And it hit me that that’s exactly what has always scared me about life ... not knowing where things are headed.  To me, everything feels doomed, like tragedy and heartache are always right around the corner.  And so I guess I live with a constant, deep sense of anxiety and discouragement.  Always waiting for the next bad thing. 

            

And I began to think, "Why do I always have to think that ‘not knowing how this journey will end’ means ‘tragedy and trouble are up ahead’?  Why can’t it mean ‘exciting, unexpected adventures and surprises await you’?  Why can’t I look forward into the hazy, foggy future with ‘Oh, cool, maybe something great will happen soon,’ instead of always with ‘Oh no!’?  How different life would feel if I looked forward to the future instead of dreaded it, or if I counted the blessings instead of the problems and fears."  

            

(I think this comes with a broken home life, among other things.  Things just don’t feel secure and carefree after watching your family break apart.  Several times.) 

            

I wish I could feel the way some people do, the lightness and optimism, the feeling that life is generally good but has moments of bad.  I, on the other hand, feel like it’s mostly negative but with moments of positive.  My husband and sons, my faith, and a friend or two are the only real bright spots, and I live to (hopefully) reflect Christ to others.  But the rest is just ... there.  And I have to look hard to find the positives in each day, to find the joys.

Refuse Me, Lord

            I have to say that I feel better now.  Things aren’t perfect, of course.  The work is still there every day.  The lack of contact with friends.  But I feel better after having vented it all out to my husband.  (Last post.)  I really needed to say those things.  Even if nothing was going to change or get “fixed,” I just needed to feel like I was heard.  And I feel more relaxed now.  More at peace.

            Not only did the venting help, but it is getting a tiny bit warmer now.  Some snow is melting, and we were able to go for a walk the other day.  First time in many weeks.  And I also think a certain prayer helped me relax, too.  One I never thought to pray before. 

Losing It!

            Well, I think winter finally got the best of me.  I lost it earlier today to my husband (not because of him, just to him).  I was having “one of those days.”